4 Communication Styles Predicting Divorce
We all know that communication is vital to a successful relationship. How we communicate with our partners can either strengthen or hurt our relationships. Unfortunately, unhealthy communication styles can ultimately lead to divorce if left unchecked.
Well, studies have proven four communication styles that can predict an impending divorce with over 90% accuracy. Ouch!
Suppose any of these ring true in your relationship. In that case, the good news is there is an ultimate solution to reverse the damage these toxic behaviors have or could have on your relationship. We will discuss these solutions later in this blog. So without further ado, here are four communication styles that predict with over 90 % accuracy divorce is on the horizon.
Toxic Criticism
According to Austin (2023), this communication style tends to criticize one’s partner often. One indicator that a communication style has toxic criticism is when absolute statements are heard frequently. Saying, “You never replace the toilet paper,” would be ineffective in resolving disputes. Making definitive statements like “you always” or “you never” in conversation does not get to the root of the problem. It intensifies an argument by attacking the individual’s character, which may lead the other to respond defensively (Austin, 2023).
Defensiveness
Speaking of defense, the second ineffective and destructive form of communication used in relationships is defensiveness. Defensiveness rids oneself of all accountability. It is a communication killer because it hardly allows one to reflect on their contribution to an argument. Additionally, it eliminates the ability to empathize with the other person’s concerns.
To remedy this, the offending individual should take some personal fault for any concern raised. Austin (2023) suggests using the 1% rule. This rule allows one to find even 1% of the blame as their own. Using the 1% rule allows the offender to hold themselves accountable for a minor portion of the disagreement and enables them to empathize (Austin, 2013).
Stonewalling
The writing is on the wall with this communication style because the word in and of itself describes the type of communication it represents. It is akin to talking to a stone wall when someone exhibits this behavior. Someone who stonewalls completely checks out of the conversation.
According to Austin (2023), when someone stonewalls, it is usually because the individual has “gone through some past trauma,” (Austin, 2023) Consequently, they use this form of communication as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling overwhelmed during a dispute. The problem is that the other individual is left feeling hopeless, ignored, and dismissed without a way to believe there is any resolution on the horizon for the conflict at hand. To resolve this, it would require some form of therapy to address the underlying trauma causing someone to stonewall.
Contempt
Contempt is the worst offender and strongest predictor for a marriage on the brink of failure; it almost seals the nail in the coffin for most unions. The reason is that relating with contempt is like a seething pot boiling over from an accumulation of all the bickering over the years.
According to Austin (2023), an individual often expresses contempt through biting sarcasm, eye-rolling, and disinterest in the other person or the things they value. The solution for this type of communication is to talk with the other individual to express how you feel instead of communicating passive-aggressively.
But, although these are perfect solutions to avoid these communication pitfalls, there needs to be an additional antidote to resolve relationship disputes effectively. The key is understanding God’s word and what He says about how we should relate to others, even our spouse.
The Ultimate Solution: God’s Word
The Bible says in Galatians 5: 22-23 that believers must deny their flesh and walk in the spirit. Characteristics of the holy spirit are all positive traits, including love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, and temperance… Let that sink in momentarily because I can stop writing here, as all these traits would resolve all the relational conflicts discussed earlier. Goodness, gentleness, and peace would settle toxic criticism. The same characteristics listed would resolve defensiveness, and temperance would fix stonewalling, etc.
The noteworthy thing is that the previous verse, Galatians 5:19-21, says negative traits such as wrath and strife are works of the flesh which produce conflict. This means that the opposite – walking in the spirit – not in the flesh would dissolve any dispute.
We are all Sinners
We all have an affinity for sin. The Bible says the natural man’s heart is desperately wicked. However, the closer we are to God’s word, the more we become aware of our faults. In addition, the more we become renewed in our hearts and minds to do good. We express this good in the relationships we have with others. It’s a win-win for everyone! Bible has many passages on conflict resolution. For instance, Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” How we respond to conflict can set the tone for the disagreement.
You may think, what if I possess the fruit of the spirit, but my spouse doesn’t? How do I circumvent his portion of the dispute? The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:14, “ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.” Don’t get it twisted, though; it does not mean the spouse and children are automatically saved by the believing spouse. It simply means that since the two become one in a marital union (Mark 10:8), the unbelieving spouse and children become blessed so long as the marriage is maintained. In other words, the Lord will honor a petition from a believing spouse and bless the union, especially during a disagreement.
The Final Resolution
In the end, conflicts will happen, but how we deal with them can change the trajectory of a marriage’s success or failure. It is essential to walk in the spirit by possessing the fruit of the spirit. The fruit of the spirit supports positive interactions with your spouse and anyone you relate with, for that matter. Pray and ask God to intervene if you have an unbelieving spouse. Seek counseling to help resolve any past trauma contributing to marital conflict. And finally, understand that your walk in Christ can cut disputes in half because the holy spirit handles half the battle and God will take care of the rest!
Reference
Austin, D. (2023). These 4 signs of divorce predict if a couple will split with over 90% accuracy: https://www.today.com/health/mind-body/signs-of-divorce-rcna70442